Put a Smile on (Myst of Pandaria)

Alnarra made her way up the soft and gentle hills the composed the unscarred parts of Ashenvale. Making her way past the areas of conflict the Night Elf made her way with a purpose in the night. The forested canopy shielded her from the heavy sound of rain, but every so often a small drip would make its way down hitting her uncovered head. Making her way past the long since abandoned timber maw camps, deep into the forest, she finally managed to stumble into her destination.

The house was in mostly poor repair, the windows having cracks in them, and the wood starting to rot, the gardens out front long since consumed by the sprawl of nature. The druidess gave a heavy sigh as she approached it, “Sorry, I guess I haven’t had a chance to come home and clean hmmm”?  Hopping down from the saber, she patted its head softly, “I used to keep it cleaner didn’t I Intera?” she smirked a bit pulling down the mask that now covered her face.

A small smile crossed her face as she walked inside, brushing off the counters, “Veraldan I’m home,” she said with a cross between a laugh and a saddened sigh knowing that no one would actually be answering her. She went to the small and cramped living room where the wooden couch still sat going to sit down in it, she put her hands together being very quiet she looked around the cold, empty house chuckling a bit as she let her memory overtake her.

She seemed to sit on the small couch, with her eyes closed and her mine lost in the void of a time that was long since gone, the happy sound of children playing, a fire crackling, of the times when the Kaldorei Empire stood alone on this land without its greenskin invaders. Before the Legion had returned with its abominations and horrors, before the monstrosities in Silithus had risen from their slumber to strike out at the world.

Biting her lip, Alnarra reached out to the small picture frame that sat relatively undisturbed on the table, having less dust on it then the rest of the house; it matched the picture that set in her locket, her family of 5 including herself, her husband, and her 3 children. She smiled softly as she looked at it, “I suppose Alaanah should get this one of these days…” a soft chuckle escaped her, “Though I don’t know if you’d want it these days little one,” she sat back on the couch with the picture frame still in her hand.

Looking around a bit more she let out a deep sigh going to put the picture back on the table, almost petting it gently as she left, trying to get the dust off of it.

She walked back outside, the rain was coming down heavier now, starting to make its way through the trees, “Damn,” she muttered, “And here I was hoping I could enjoy the solitude of the lady of the night without your help hmm?” she looked around her as if she might be speaking to the trees or clouds.

Slowly she made her way behind the house stepping over the overgrown bushes and vines that covered the area, making her way past, she came to a small clearing. The clearing was marked by 3 very elaborate markers though one appeared to have recently been dug up and placed to the side. She makes her up to the remaining two undisturbed markers, going to sit down in front of one of them, petting the stone shape gently

“Hey Myr,” Alnarra said softly, a smile crossing her face, “I didn’t forget, even with the human holiday, I promise,” a soft chuckle escaped her as she reached into her satchel, pulling out a small stuffed and heavily patched saber toy, “A friend of mine got me one of my very own for Winter’s Veil, so I didn’t want to keep yours away from you any longer,” she smirked a bit, putting the small stuffed saber down, “Sorry I couldn’t think of anything else to get you this year”.  She continued to smile bringing her legs to her chest and wrapping them with her arms, she looked over at the other stone, “Well you’ll both be proud of me, I’m going to become a doctor here someday soon. I finally decided to enroll in classes and go through all the training, just like you two did,” she toyed with the soil a bit. “I haven’t told your sister yet, she still hasn’t talked to me since the divorce,” her ears fell flat as a frown started to cross her face, but as her eyes glanced at the marker she was standing in front of her ears perked back up and a smile crossed her face once again.

“I know you two never met him, he was a nice lad, things were just… complicated, you know?” she chuckled softly as she brushed some hair from her eyes, “I guess I was looking for someone like your father, and… well you know how I get when I’m alone to long”. She shrugged a bit trying to brighten her smile, “I’m sorry I’m glum Myr, I know I promised you I’d smile all day today, your father was keen to let me know how much better it made the day if I kept a smile on and well… today’s a special day of sorts,” she touched gently at the stone.

“I actually did pretty well today; I even went to get a fish dinner like we used to have, but one of the abominations thought it might be funny to bring the fish back to life while I was eating it… it left a sour taste in my mouth,” she kept her smile about her almost as if she was forcing it. Looking over to the other marker, she said quietly, “I’m sorry I didn’t visit for /your/ birthday Tal, I went to see your father for a while. Though I promise I made the cake just like I always do,” A soft laugh escaped her.

Alnarra set quietly having her own little conversation with the two stone markers explaining the situations of the past year to them, of all the strange things that had happened since her last visit one year ago.

“I’m going to put little Intera back in the house so she isn’t ruined by the rain hmm?” a soft smile crossed her lip as she went to pet at the grave marker once more, standing slowly, “I’ve got to head back tonight, there’s still many things your mother has to do, a lot of packing again,” she chuckled, “I’ll try to stop by more often, on days other than your birthday’s and I’ll let your sister know she is free to use the house, even if it is a bit,” she stared back at the ruined structure, “In need of repairs..”.

With a soft shrug she let out a sigh, “Maybe that goofy mate of hers will prove useful in repairing houses and the like hmm?”

Making her way back inside the house, she set the small stuffed saber on the table placing it next to the family portrait and petting it softly, “You watch after the house little Intera, make sure nothing gets in.” She bit her lip forcing another smile as she walked outside climbing back on her mount, silently making her way back to her new home. “Next time, let’s not live with the green skins eh girl?” she ruffled the full grown Frostsabers mane  petting it gently.

As the creature lumbered its way through the forest, the Kaldorei druidess mind began to wonder, a practiced smile crossed her face though it was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain. The events of the night had left a far more lasting impression on her then she was choosing to event, eventually pulling back on the best reigns and bringing it to a stop, “That’s enough Intera… I just need a moment,”

She climbed off the great cat’s back, hopping down as she went to stand on the forest floor, her ears twitching as she looked around at the forest she once called home.

As she settled, the great cat looked at her with a concerned set of eyes, bringing Its massive paw to pet at her back, her always present sprite darter sneaking from its place in her bag to look into her eyes. The two creatures both seemed to sense her quickly degrading state as they exchanged concerned glances with each other. The sprite darter went to lick at her face; however, the action which usually brightened even her most sullied mood didn’t even cause the druidess eyes to flicker.

A concerned whimper came from the frostsaber as it tried to nuzzle against her, the only response a short glance, though Alnarra’s eyes betrayed a certain lack of presence. Inside the aging woman’s mind a battle she had become far to accustom to, wrapped in her delusions and pain, a familiar voice rang out in her head, causing her to wince that her mind would choose to use it against her.

“Alnarria Elslora Stargrove, what on this planet are you doing weeping in the middle of the forest? Stand up and get back to your feet. This is no way for a Kaldorei to act,” a simple gulp formed in Alnarra’s throat, as her mind began to betray her, slipping into her paranoia and depression, “And what was that tongue that you chose to spoke to my Grandchildren with? Have you forgotten the language that I taught you to speak? Are you that pathetic an excuse of a Kaldorei that you don’t even know to speak the language that defines us?”

“Please no…” Alnarra muttered, going to pull at her hair just slightly.

“You go to my Grandchildren… my dead Grandchildren, who died on the fields of battle, and where was their mother? You sat in the comfort of your home, hiding away from the war effort? And why was that Alnarraia hmm? Because you wanted to learn to become a druid? You disgust me!”

“Please stop… you’re not real, you’re just a delusion..” Alnarra grasped at her temples pulling her hair back, a frustrated shiver overtaking her, the forest that surrounded her quickly began to fade, her vision filled with only images of her late mother’s angry glare.

“I should have never let your father let you go meet Mr. Dathans, it is a good thing that pathetic wretch of a man finally died doing something useful. But how have you spent your last few days? You let that filthy abomination scar your womb with its horrors, you should have let yourself die it would have been more honorable. At least then you could prove that you had the strength to go through with a battle”

“You don’t mean that,” The druidess said in a quiet whisper, clutching her hands against her knees, closing her eyes as she tried desperately block out the voice that haunted her thoughts.

“And what are you doing with yourself now? Sleeping with traitors to the Kaldorei people? You whore… your filth is what I fought to protect our people from. It is a good thing that you father did die; even he would be disappointed in what you have become. Where are your sword and your shield where is your bow? You weren’t even good enough to join the sentinels when their numbers where so thing they would let those mongrel worgen in.”

“Stop,” Alnarra whimpered, the Sprite Darter and Frostsaber that accompanied her could only look on with sympathetic eyes as their companion suck to her knees in the floor fighting the thoughts that plagued her.

“And now look at you, you have lot greenskin scum steal the family goods. Perhaps it will teach you a lesson you worthless soldier. Perhaps the little green skins will burn all those letters and pictures that you hold so dear, the worthless trinkets that your wrapped yourself in. I am sure they will sell off the things of any worth, my armor and weapons should fetch a good price.”

Alnarra became motionless, shivering in anger and frustration, her fist balling themselves up. She tried desperately to sooth herself, “You’re not real… you’re just my mind playing tricks on me”.

“Look at the poor little girl, who’s mate has died on her, and you couldn’t even have the gall to stop him, that’s why you came to this forest last time; because, you truly know who should be blamed for his death. You were less of a warrior then a male, your mate, who you are supposed to protect.”

“Shut Up,” Alnarra hissed at the forest her breathing becoming erratic as her hatred began to boil.

“Where is your Warriors Spirit? Did I not raise you to right for your people? Instead you come to tell your sad tale to my grandchildren, in a tongue they did not speak. You hide when you should be fighting, you are pathetic. You are only good for destroying the spirit of others, like you killed Hafu.”

“STOP” Alnarra screamed, going to clutch at her ears, curling up in a small ball on the forest floor, “Stop!” she whimpered, her whole body shaking.

“You have always disappointed me Alnarria, it is no wonder that the Goddess does not answer your prayers. You are a traitor, undeserving of the title Kaldorei,”

The druidess began to do the only thing she knew how, letting her feline form overtake her, letting her mind recess as the spirit of the beast took over, bounding off into the forest, her two companions watched in misery, following her slowly, but surely.

“That’s right!” the voice seemed distant, but still so loud, as Alnarra’s feet ran more and more into the forest, trying to hide from that terrible voice, that voice that knew all her fears and sorrows. “Run and Hide Alnarra Elslora Stargrove, continue to disappoint your family”. And so the druidess ran as fast as her paws could carry her, bounding over rocks, trees, and logs, simply wishing to escape that miserable voice.

The druidess tried desperately to escape the voice, hiding in old dug out hollows and tree branches as if somehow the nature would spare her from the painful internal monologue, but as she tried to block it out her senses seemed more overtaken with the raw mixture of emotions from within. She buried her muzzle in her paws, breathing in slowly trying to focus, it only seemed intensify the thoughts that were haunting her.

“Did you need to lie to my Grandchildren?” Alnarra simply grumbled as she tried to ignore the voice in her head, “1,000 years? Is that really all it takes to forget your son’s birthday?”

“Stop… just stop,” Alnarra whined pathetically.

“It wasn’t until that wretch reminded you? You were going to go about your day and forget, and then you further lied… to a dead and rotting corpse, about everything. You can’t even lie like a proper Kaldorei.”

“STOP IT!” her will finally snapping, her ability to ignore her own inner thoughts diminishing quickly, “Don’t even pretend like you loved them! Do you remember what your reaction was when I told you I was pregnant with Tal? Do you!? You hit me! The happiest moment in my life, and you hit me, told me that warriors don’t let themselves be saddled with the likes of family!”

Alnarra’s rage was evident as her body shook and she slammed the ground with her paw, her claws digging into the soft ground, “EVERY DAY! Every day you chose to remind me of how terrible a mistake /I/ was, that I was the reason that you could never get promotions, that I was the one who ruined your career. That if you had not had to take care of me, your /only/ daughter, you would have had a happier life.

She began screaming at the heavens, perhaps hoping that the spirit of her late mother might hear her anger and her rage, “When all the other children came to school with their neatly wrapped lunches of rabbit and venison, all that I came to find was a knife and I was never sure if you intended me to slit my throat with it or catch a meal!”

The voice inside her head was quick to snap back, “You were weak, you were pathetic, while all the other girls in your class were busy training to become great warriors and heroes all you could find yourself doing was reading or tending to the gardens in the back, I had to train you, make you stronger”.

“By hitting me!?” tears streaming down the druid’s face, “You thought that beating me might toughen me up? Every time I would wake up it would not be to the gentleness of the town bells but the back of your hand”

“I had to teach you a lesson, to make you right, you were and still are a foolish, weak, naïve child with no place in restoring the Kaldorei Kingdom. You have let yourself become to consumed by foolish things like the need for love, and fellowship, and you shall let that new little creature you have woven your whore’s web around to become your guardian too, you will continue to ignore your need to fight, to live up to your Kaldorei blood line!”

“I was your /daughter/, you’re only child!” Alnarra wept, the anger palpable in her voice, “You were supposed to love and care for me, not take every waking moment to destroy what I was! I swore I never wanted to grow up like you, a destructive and unloving mother. I promised that I would always care for my children”

“And look where that landed you!” an almost cold and hardened laugh, “Two dead children and a third that will not see hide nor hair of you. You couldn’t even defend your children or your mate, how can you expect to defend anything look at you, arguing with yourself, you are so conflicted that you are blinded by me, how much better I was at all of this then you, you did your best and you still failed Alnarra”

Her mind unable to deal with the conflict raging inside Alnarra gave a loud and defiant roar into the night, “I never want to become you, all the horrible unspeakable things you did to me in the name of making a better soldier for the Kaldorei people!” she suddenly became quite, going to grab at her own tail, biting on it as if it would bring her some comfort, “I never want to become you…” she began repeating to herself, a purr not of comfort but of terror overcoming her.

It had been two nights since the druidess had spent her ordeal tossing and turning in the somber woods of Ashenvale. Instead she had returned to what she called home, or what some might call home. A friend had dragged her back from the brink of isolation to deal with the issues at hand, so that now she could return to the small shack where once she had a bed, now simply a pile of crates and hay. It would seem the thieves that had robbed them hadn’t taken much consideration over what needed to be stolen only that all of it was gone.

Bael, the man who had gone into the forest to find her sat against the wall watching her trying to smile, “Come on then Alnarra, get to sleep you need your rest”.

Alnarra simply grumbled back, though she was happy he had come after her, “Kaldorei don’t get sick”.

“Well apparently you do, now get to sleep” he looked at her with a smirk though it was clear her refusal to rest was testing his patience.

Alnarra gave a deep sigh before shrugging, “Fine… fine,” she went to curl up on the small hay bedding that they had both managed to cobble together, a small and faint smile crossed her face as she went to close her eyes, soothed at Bael’s presence. Through the coughing, sneezing, congestion and fever Alnarra finally began to drift into a stable slumber, slowly starting to dream.

It was the realm of the mind; however, where Alnarra’s true demons lived. The thievery was little in comparison to the enemy that awaited her in her own dreams. As she slumbered, tossing, turning, and coughing as the disease which afflicted her progressed through her system systematically working to make the once immortal druidess miserable.

Her dreams seemed to progress like they always did, every night, for the last 5 years. The same nightmares which plagued her mind filtered through, losing her husband in the failed raid several years prior, seeing the corpses of her two sons and being chilled to the soul, imagery which had haunted her mind for thousands of years.

But among the nightmares, a new one joined their ranks, this one catching the slumbering druidess off guard as she tossed and turned more, a makeshift ship sail being all that she could manage to find as cover.  The quiet man stayed by her side, watching with sympathetic eyes as she fought the illusions of her own mind, humming softly by her side.

“Weak” the word rang out in her mind like a bell on the crystal lakes of winterspring, “Pathetic,”   Alnarra’s mind was filled with new imagery, imagery she had not let wonder into her mind since marrying her first husband. It was not a proud druidess, mother of three, and accomplished field medic that stood in the quiet house that day, but a little girl holding a platter of food for her mother and father. Her father looked over to her kindly, giving a bright smile, “And what did we learn today in class Alnarria?” he asked. The little girl smiled back at him, “We learned about the trolls and the great empires that they once had,” she seemed ecstatic to share this knowledge with him.

“Don’t encourage her, her bow instructor told me that she made herself busy reading books and playing games while the other children learned to hit their mark”. The young girl simply hung her head quickly going to bring the platter of food to the table, she began to pull out the silverware placing it neatly at the side of the plates, “How many  times have I told you Alnarra you will fail your marksmanship class if you never actually learn to pick up a bow”

“Mother,” the little girl responded politely, “I do not wish to pick up a bow; I want to grow up like Father, and read books and work with plants!”

Her mother quickly sat down whatever it was she had been working on, sharpening some blade, or the like this memory was like so many others that Alnarra had buried she had long since let the exact matter fade. Her mother was quick to ball her fist sucker punching the little girl sending her to her knees in pain, as she clutched at her stomach. She fought back tears, as her mother preached at her “What did I tell you Alnarra, no daughter of mine is going to grow up to become something so foolish now you will go to class in the morning, you will pick up a bow, and you will do what you need to do”

Alnarra fought desperately not to cry, she had come to learn that crying would simply result in more abuse. Instead she kept a tough upper lip managing to say “Of course mother, by your command”

The druidess mind flashed once more as the thoughts overwhelmed her, each time her mother had struck her for failing for being a disappointment to the Stargrove family line, how she was mean to pick up a sword and shield and go into battle.

“You coddled that young priestess last night when you should have been doing your job,” Alnarra winced, her mind replacing the imagery of the cozy house, instead it was simply her and her mother, surrounded by a white nothingness, the true battlefield of one’s own mind. “How dare you have the Gall to associate with a member of the priesthood… you low life scum, no matter what the priestess may have done you are low class, you are a soldier, you have no place pestering her with such things. She will live on, as she is strong, she is Kaldorei, she understands her path in the light”

Alnarra looked around for some kind of exit, some way to escape this, but this was not Ashenvale, in her dreams she was hopeless, locked in place, “Just shut up,” she murmured.

“You have coddled all these young ones, even that filthy human monstrosity. You keep telling them that everything will be ok. What do you know? Is that what you told your sons and daughter when they marched off to the war of the shifting sands? That they would return safely”? a certain snicker seemed to boil in her mind, “And look how they came back to you, in a box, nothing more than remains. If you had been a soldier you could have done your job, and died at the side of your sons. Instead you lived on as a coward”

“You died almost 10 years ago in an Orc attack, you’re not real, you’re just a figment of my immigration,” Alnarra said trying to focus. On the outside, in the real world the druidess continued to sleep, her tossing and turning simply intensifying as she struggled to ignore the nagging voice in her head.

“Perhaps one that you should listen to more often Alnarra, but I imagine instead you will continue to listen to that wretched “Druidess” that you care for so dearly while you work to let your new found guardian care and protect you. How long before he joins the ranks of the dead you have left in your wake? How long before you are sobbing at his gravestone like so many others?”

“Stop” Alnarra muttered

“Did you tell him about your mean old mother? Like you told Veraldan, let him hug and care for you, ran away and hid from me?”

“I wasn’t hiding; I wanted to raise a family! I wanted to make something of my life, I wanted to be proud of who I was,” the retort screamed out into the white abyss.

“Well I’m sure you can make another family you weak whore, let him knock you up and when you get scared you can simply dispose of it like you did the las—“

“NO!” Alnarra stood the anger inside of her boiling, “How dare you! How dare you ever pretend to understand, to know, you never loved me, or my children. I’m sure on your deathbed your only regret was that I somehow held you back, made you a lesser soldier! You didn’t even come for Papa’s funeral… and you told me I was a fool for doing so.”

“Look at your weakness Alnarra… look at yourself, you should cut your ties… do what’s right. Ignore these pathetic scoundrels,”

 “I am not you!” Alnarra screamed to the empty hollow of her mind.

“Yes let your anger consume you, like today when you hit Bael, I’m sure he appreciated that. Then you collapsed to your knees again like a sobbing child, because you don’t have the strength, you’ve never had the strength, and you never will you little disappointment.”

“I AM NOT YOU!” Alnarra screamed out again, this time the cry was more out of desperation and fear then any attempt at a discourse.

In the real world, a tired defeated and miserable Alnarra would wake from her slumber pretending that she needed to use the restroom only so that she could cry alone somewhere quietly afraid to admit that some part of her believed her long dead mother was right, that the voice inside her head was speaking of some greater truth.

The hours passed, and as the runny nose and coughing got worse, Alnarra’s general attitude grew more and more irritable. She found herself snapping at people that only days prior she would have treated with patience and kindness, her anger finding its way out in unmanageable manners. After tearing into Gwen with no real rhyme or reason, Alnarra decided her best course of action was to return to Darnassus for a short time to perhaps clear her head or work out the aggression and anger.

What she found in her homeland; however, was not the peace and solitude she had hoped for, instead it would seem that being back home with her people seemed to only intensify the struggle that tore at her insides so terribly. As she went to slam her fist coldly into a set of training dummies she couldn’t focus on any sort of training method, all that haunted her mind were images of her late mother, her voice, and her criticism.

They seemed to sit in Alnarra’s mind, like some kind of trap lying in wait. A collection of memories, sayings, and feelings about her mother that seemed to manifest themselves as some kind of internal judge, a small voice that sat on Alnarra’s shoulder, criticizing all of the druidess actions and thoughts. A constant reminder that prior to Veraldan’s death she had been able to suppress, to ignore, but in these years since his passing that internalized self-hate grew more and more with each passing day,

With each sunrise, Alnarra’s ability to look into a mirror diminished. Consumed by her failures, she had grown so distressed and broken that the fragments seemed impossible for her to pick up. With every relief to her pain that she seemed to find, the world’s current situation was quick to tear it away from her.

Each tiny victory seemed to be compounded by a devastating defeat; every day seemed to be a constant roller coaster, trying to put on a fake smile, trying to pretend that everything would be alright. It had become a constant practiced lie, one that society expected of her. That at the end of the day even when you are so consumed by your past you must press forward.

Alnarra had tried, many different ways to face her past, to deal with the pain, but it seemed just as she was sure she could cope with the magnitude of her loss it would all come rolling back at her. Each friend that she told, every lover that she confided in didn’t change the past, didn’t change the nature of her existence. That fear and self-loathing that Veraldan had been able to suppress, the faith and self-confidence that her co dependence had brought her crumbled ever more.

The white blank space that dominated Alnarra’s mind seemed to flash before her with each strike she made into the dummy, like a stage with two actors, her minds internal struggle was cracking away at the kindness, the loving woman that Alnarra had become known for. Her charity, her faith, were all facing the fact that everything that had ever brought her happiness was dying or suffering.

“So let’s talk about it,” the voice in her head said calmly

“Talk about what?” Alnarra said slamming her fist into the wooden training dummy

“Why?” the voice responded simply

“Why What?” Alnarra stated blankly bringing her leg up to kick at the dummy, coughing as she did, trying to focus as sweat rolled down her face, a combination of the fever and the workout. Her mind seemed to be unaware of the fact that she was having a conversation with herself in a public place at the heart of Darnassus.

“You know what I’m talking about, we both do. There is no need to play games with your own mind,”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Alnarra huffed, her strikes against the practice dummy becoming more aggressive as she bit her lip.

“Were you afraid of death?”

The question seemed to cause the druidess to slam her palm into the wooden target, shattering and splintering it, sending pieces of it scattering to the ground below. “It was never about dying! I was never afraid of the consequences. If it meant my death then I would have happily given my life,”

“But you didn’t so why? You’ve looked at that doctor’s report 20 times. You made your choice… why?”

Alnarra collapsed to the ground, panting heavily holding on to her knee, the combination of the workout, the stress, and the oncoming illness taking their toll, “I don’t have to answer to you or anybody, it was my choice.”

“I am not judging you, I am asking you why!”

Alnarra turned to one of the other training dummies, pulling her knife from its sheath and throwing it into the wooden structure splintering the wood with the impact, “Because I wasn’t going to do to my child what you did to me”

The voice grew quite as Alnarra elaborated to anyone who might be passing by or listening, “I saw her come home… covered in bruises and scars, and I don’t know what unspeakable horrors those green skins did to my child, but they hurt her, they hurt her terribly. My child who had to live through the death of her brothers, who had to now fears stepping from the shadows because of the unspeakable things that they did to her.”

Alnarra panted breathing in deeply her fingers tapping against the side of her leg as she spoke, her mind fighting the need for sleep and rest, “If I was to raise another child… I would have had to… to make them into a weapon to cope with this world. I would have had to raise them in the cruelties of this war torn planet. Every day they would see the unspeakable horrors, the travesties committed. I see all the little ones, who have had their child hoods robbed by this world, all the little ones who run around without parents, who did not know love because the cruelty of this world would not let them have it”

Alnarra grew quiet as she stared at the ground, “I could not do that to my child, I could not become a monster to ensure their survival, I could not raise them in this world plagued by death, by war, by destruction, and chaos. I would not inflict such pain on someone willingly, and most certainly not to my own flesh and blood. I was not scared of death… I did not fear my demise. I would have sacrificed myself 1,000 times over for my little one if it meant that they would have had a chance at a happy life… but I saw this world and I knew that was not the case”

“And so you ended it,”

“Yes… and no choice in all my years has ever pained me so deeply, all the years of torment you inflicted upon me, all the suffering I endured at the loss of my children and my mate, they are but dim echoes to my choice that night, the pain and the hurt it sent rippling through me. I did what I did so that I would never have to become you, I would never have to make my child suffer like you made me suffer. I would not raise a warrior.”

“Because you won’t…. or you can’t?”

Alnarra grew silent, slowly wrapping her arms around her legs she began to rock back and forth on the fairgrounds where the training dummy’s stood, “I won’t become like you,” she whispered to herself, her hair blowing softly in the wind, “I will not sentence a life to misery to comfort my own pain”.

The druidess set quietly in the courtyard for what seemed like hours, eventually standing back up to continue swinging at training dummy’s though her heart just wasn’t in it. She began packing her belongings, as surely someone else would need a wound mended or a scratch healed, but she began to wonder if she really served any point at all. Perhaps she had become a coward. It was so difficult for her to be sure of anything anymore, so many ups and downs, so many peaks and valleys. Alnarra was growing numb.